ADHD & friendships
A hidden struggle from the earliest years
If you happen to be blessed with ADHD, there’s a chance you might NOT be blessed with an abundance of friendships in your life. Real, lasting, meaningful ones, I mean.
While some ADHDers experience zero issues in this area, it’s a sad but true fact that others struggle to make or maintain long-term friendships. Not that this is necessarily a reflection of how good a friend they can – or want – to be. But more likely the result of a lifetime of minor fails that have accumulated to chip away at relationships until they've gradually faded completely or, worse, gone out with a bang.
Is your ADHD causing your friendship skills to occasionally suck? As harsh as that may be, and as difficult as it is to admit, the facts speak for themselves:
Take this study, which found that over fifty per cent of five- to eleven-year-old children with ADHD are considered ‘peer-rejected’.
Or this one, which concluded that friendship difficulties may account for at least some of the link between ADHD and depression.
Sure, these studies are (isn’t it always the case) focused on children and childhood. But they’re also entirely relevant in a conversation about adult ADHD, because it’s in childhood that we learn so many of the behaviours and habits that we go on to exhibit throughout our lives.
ADHD & friendships in childhood
As children, we’re sponges for the constant non-verbal cues we pick up from others, quickly learning what’s acceptable and what’s not as we interact and integrate and generally try to fit in.
Thanks to the neurodevelopmental difference (by which I really mean neurodevelopmental delay) of ADHD, however, youngsters with the condition can be slow to grasp so many of these vital signs – which hinders the formation of their interactive skillset and puts them behind the curve in comparison to their peers.
Enter the primary markers of ADHD – those less-than-fortunate traits that are forever tempting these kids to…
blurt things out (impulsivity)
drift out of conversations (distractibility)
generally be a bit much (hyperactivity)
Not exactly top-of-the-list items on a list of characteristics one might choose for themselves. And, tragically, the kinds of behaviours that can see children edged out of social groups.
It follows that the resulting reduction in time spent playing and interacting with others leads to diminished opportunity to hone these core foundational social skills. The problem compounds. These kids fall even further behind. And so the viscous circle goes round.
ADHD & friendships in adulthood
As childhood gives way to teenhood gives way to adulthood – we all inevitably arrive in a place where social ‘rules’ are more firmly policed, and where the consequences of non-conformity in peer groups become even more severe.
So if there’s a clumsiness to one’s interactions, the sense of rejection they experience when their interruptions or inattentions are called out (especially publicly) can be an all-too-common occurrence, and therefore a bigger and bigger source of embarrassment and frustration in life.
From this, a tendency to sit on the periphery in social situations can develop. Self-confidence can be eroded. And, in extreme cases, social withdrawal can be next.
The flip side to friendship failure
If we accept that ADHD has a habit of making the formation and maintenance of friendships troublesome for some folks, then the widely held belief that ADHDers often possess the qualities necessary for being really good friends is an irony that’s hard to ignore.
Empathy, loyalty, and strength in times of crisis are excellent qualities that ADHD seems to offer in spades. As are a particular zest for life, and the willingness to be particularly accepting and forgiving of others, so it’s said.
And let’s not forget reliability (so long as we’re allowing the occasional missed birthday or forethought to check in and say hi to be politely ignored).
Making friends with self-improvement
With an experienced, professional ADHD coach on your side, it’s absolutely possible to build better habits when it comes to finding, growing and maintaining friendships.
From systems that will help you be more aware and intentional in your friendships, to ways to manage the sting of rejection and reframe situations, the positive work that can be done in this area can be staggeringly noticeable – and, in some case, transformative.
That’s not be sniffed at, because it’s a statistical fact that with more friends and better, more meaningful friendships in your life you’ll be happier.
According to the data, you’ll live longer, too – which means more time in this world being the fun, dependable, empathetic friend you really can be.
REFERENCES
Hoza B. Peer functioning in children with ADHD. Ambul Pediatr. 2007 Jan-Feb;7(1 Suppl):101-6. doi: 10.1016/j.ambp.2006.04.011. PMID: 17261489; PMCID: PMC2572031.
Powell, V., Riglin, L., Ng-Knight, T. et al. Investigating Friendship Difficulties in the Pathway from ADHD to Depressive Symptoms. Can Parent–Child Relationships Compensate?. Res Child Adolesc Psychopathol 49, 1031–1041 (2021).
IMAGE: Nika Tchokhonelidze (Unsplash)